Today is going to be different. Today, instead of my usual approach of yelling until I run out of words, I’m going to keep this short. Today we are talking about something that either you will immediately love or you are a disgusting filthy animal with no hope for salvation. There is no reason to waste my beautiful beautiful words on the forsaken.
Also, today is all about a product I sorta don’t own yet. Oh, right, today is about a bidet! Yeah, that little space ship commander’s handle in the picture controls a bidet and it is just absolutely the best. Or it would be the best if I owned that one. In reality, I own an older model that is now less than the best and it is killing me. Enough. Time to get to it.
I Don’t Know If There Is A Polite Way To Say This
This thing shoots water in your booty hole. Like. A lot of water. And if you think it might be off target or just some sort of vicinity water, no friend, this thing is like a missile locked on target. It’ll get ya.
So many pros:
- Super cheap - 30 bucks!
- Easy to install - just screw some shit in and you are done
- Mini butt showers whenever you want - finally!
- No need for your hand to go anywhere near your butt or the inside of the toilet - why would you want your hand to go there
- You aren’t just using paper to clean yourself - imagine if I decided to give up showering and just wipe myself down with dry paper towels every day. Wow. How dumb and gross and ineffective
- Approval of Japanese people - I mean, I can’t promise this, but probably at least less disapproval? In Japan, bidets are just a given. I can’t image what kind of filthy pig people they think Americans are
- Approval of me - I’m with the Japanese on this one. You are gross if you don’t bidet. ew ew ew ew ew
- It isn’t a Toto Washlet - pretty simple really: if you got that money then get that Toto
- Power overwhelming - my version is STRONG. Maybe they fixed this, but it is like, listen, things are getting clean down there, I would like to still have a booty hole once this transaction is finished. Thank you
- Learning curve - see above. This thing brings the power. I learned to turn it on gently, but I wonder how many of my guests just let it rip before I modified it to not spray as hard? I don’t really like wondering about that sort of thing
New excellent features
- Warm water! - My version is cold water only. It is actually totally fine even in winter. But, oh man, this new version with the warm water? Holy shit I need this
- Maybe less intense? - I don’t know, I don’t own this new version yet but I’m hoping it is a bit less powerful. If you click the little footnote buttons above then you know that I modified the one that I currently own from this company. The other option is to just close the water valve on your toilet a bit so it has less pressure
That’s It, We Are Done Now
I’m not going to say anything else. Either you see this and think “obviously I need to have this” or you are beyond hope. It is a sensitive subject, so I’ve been trying to avoid excessive detail here, but I just want to reiterate: once you have this product you will wonder how you ever lived with out it. You will miss it when you travel. You will seriously think “I wonder if I could install one of these at the office?” . Is a bidet life changing? Of course it is.
Ok, I own this product’s little brother, but I don’t own this hot new version. Oh god. “Hot” oh fuck that is a pun. That is terrible. This is already terrible. Everything is terrible ↩
I actually modded my model by making the holes in the nozzle larger. It’s cool, I’m part of the bidet modding community now. It’s a thing that I’m a part of ↩
You probably can’t. I’ve actually contemplated just sneaking one in and not telling anyone it was me, but I think office building toilets don’t have the right water hookups ↩