Secret Sweatpants — Insignificant, but with purpose

It has been a minute, so I feel obligated to pop my head back up real quick and share some secret knowledge from the deep-est of deep in my stash-y-est of stashes [1]. I’ve kept this one to myself for far too long: secret sweatpants. Oh wow. Yeah. This is exciting. Maybe you have no idea what I mean by secret sweatpants, but I think we can all agree that something important is about to be discussed.

This post is actually going to cover the full spectrum of secret sweatpants with three different products. On one end it is all about upping the game of your actual sweatpants/lounging-pants/jamming-pants [2]. On the other, it is about actual legit big-boy adult pants that, I mean, come on: they feel like sweatpants. Please see the secret sweatpants spectrum below for reference.

I mean... what level of quality images did you expect from a post about secret sweatpants. What level of quality does the secret sweatpants spectrum REALLY deserve

Sweatpants That Look Like Real Pants

So, I get it, when you get home and finally escape from the bright scary real-world outside, sometimes you just want to wear something comfortable. I don’t judge you for that. It is totally reasonable. You are a reasonable human[3]. What I will judge you for is just completely giving up on looking like a reasonable human when you decide to be comfortable. Don’t do that. Don’t wear 10 year old pants with a paint stain or a stretched out waist or some random sad flannel pajamas.

Stop that. You look ridiculous. If you have a significant other who sees those pants, then you are an a-hole for making that significant other see those pants.

Seriously, if you have some sort of comfortable pants that you only wear at home, they are probably your best opportunity to go from sloppy to fancy in one piece of clothing. Take a look at them and ask yourself whether or not you could wear them with a tie. No? Then I present to you sweatpants that you can wear with a tie[4].

No, I didn't take this picture just for this post... Also, no, that doesn't make it any better that I took this picture.

It may be hard to judge, because you already know that these are sweatpants and you are looking for them to be, but these pants look deceptively normal. On the sweatpants side of things they are everything you would expect: soft, stretchy, loose, warm… ish. But on the looks side they are slim-fitting, wool-looking^[it’s the heather gray color that does it], and have pockets that look legitimate. Before these pants I couldn’t bring myself to wear anything even remotely like sweatpants because they felt slovenly [5]. With these pants I can finally be comfortable like reasonable people.

Maybe these specific pants won’t convince you [6], but the real win here would be if you at least consider upgrading your laziest clothes. This is a great opportunity to upgrade your look. The hard sell about these pants specifically is the brand. How do I say this… They are from Lululemon.

yep.

Think how great they must be though to get a recommendation anyway! Oh. They are also called “Kung Fu Pant”. Kill me. Also the heather black is the only legit color. Wait one more: you really should try them on and get the smallest size that fits because the smaller size are cut more slimly than the larger sizes. I’ve lost you, haven’t I? Well, it was worth a shot. These pants are probably the best thing I’ve bought all year. If you are feeling especially wise and open minded then check them out. For the rest of you, the next two recommendation will be on easy mode.

Real Pants That Feel Like Sweatpants

When I’m wearing dress pants[7] they are made out of nice wool, expensive, and generally need to be treated with care. I’m a snobby snob a-hole. That is just how life works. I love those fancy pants. But maybe you don’t. In that case, I present to you dress pants that, I mean, come on… these are sweat pants. Check them out here.

Check out the powerful knee-drive you can achieve in these

Oh wow. Uniqlo? That is reasonable. Under 50 bucks? Also pretty great. I can’t decide if it is a good thing that these exist. I really want to advocate for wearing expensive fancy wool dress pants because they really do look better but… dammit these look pretty reasonable. When I tried them on my wife said “those have nothing to do with sweatpants”. Looks-wise she is totally right. Feels-wise: these are sweat pants. They are everything that describes sweatpants above: soft, stretchy, loose, and warm. Going to work at a bank? These are fine. Going to watch a movie on the couch? Even better. Going to the gym? I mean, it would look weird to wear dress pants to the gym, but you would be super plenty comfortable ripping out a set of squats.

So. Whatever. Fine. Ignore the miracle that is the Lululemon pants up above and buy these. If you wear them to work or to look fancy then I won’t judge. But if you wear them around the house with a sweater when you are just chilling: I salute you.

Something in the Middle

The last pants are from Bonobos. I don’t know how I feel about Bonobos in general, but these pants solve the sweatpants/real-pants problem with a different approach than the pants above. Instead of sweatpants that look fancy or fancy pants made of stretchy soft material, the Bonobos Fireside Flannels go with the Taco Bell Double Decker Taco[8] approach: flannel pajama pants on the inside legit chinos on the outside.

And oh my god the result is awesome.

I just want to wear these all the time. I make excuses to wear these pants. There honestly is no trade off. They are mega comfortable on the inside. They are legit pants on the outside. I can think of no excuse for you to not own these pants [9]. Look at these pants. Try on these pants. Buy these pants.

Take a good long look. Let's give it up for PANTS

Give yourself the gift of wearing around pants that feel like pajamas and make you look like a slender sexy gentleman.. or give someone else that gift… or don’t give any gifts, I don’t really care. Just know that there is a better world out there and that better world is full of Bonobos Fireside Flannels and that world can be yours.

Update

Wow, a lot of excitement around secret sweatpants. Two quick updates. First, for ladies, I have received a glowing recommendation of some lady secret sweatpants in the form of Uniqlo’s fleece-lined slim stretch pants. These are work and chilling out relaxing approved for looking legit and also feeling excellent. Ladies: give them a try. Second, for everyone, it turns out that there is a company that is basically dedicated to secret sweatpants. Betabrand. I don’t know anything more than that these exist and that they are some serious business sweatpants. Anyone have any experience with Betabrand?

Sentence one and I already don’t even know what I’m talking about… how is one stash more stash-y than others? ↩
Please leave lots of comments with other names you have for the types of pants you basically only wear at home. LOTS ↩
Congrats ↩
I’m marking it right here. This is either the point where you are all in with me… or I have lost 100% of my credibility ↩
so… yes. By that you can infer that I think your sweatpants make you look slovenly ↩
Especially because I am purposefully avoiding mentioning the brand ↩
slacks? Should I be saying slacks here? That sounds ridiculous. I’m not going to do that ↩
all caps because Double Decker Tacos are my weakness. Such a great decision until the exact moment you finish eating them… then such a terrible terrible very bad idea ↩
You are a lady? That is a great excuse. I stand corrected. I’m sorry. Maybe we can call it even because I spent the first half convincing guys to stop wearing ugly sweatpants? No. I guess that leaves out women who don’t like dudes… this blog is really doing a shitty job of being inclusive. Sorry everyone ↩